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Nyleth, Keeper of the Archive.

On the topic of Self Identity there are a few common paths I've seen people take. They can identify with their work, their societal connections, their heritage or something more personal like their gender and/or sexuality. Concepts that can be easily conferred from their social media page with a couple of flags and some pinned images. I've previously struggled with it for the longest. I never really had an answer for it, made me feel like I didn't really have an identity in the first place. I did, I was just denying it.

You remember back in my five songs I had a Bleach Opening as one of my choices? I'll keep it short to make my point. The main character, Ichigo, has this "evil" version, who I will be referring to as "Hichigo", in his "inner world" that he has to contend with throughout the series. Zanpakto, the swords they use are representations of their inner selves and they have related spirits. Ichigo's sword is named "Zangetsu", so its peculiar when this evil entity keeps spouting out "I am Zangetsu" to him. Ichigo denies it over and over but come a couple more seasons we learned, he wasn't lying. The whole scene where He accepts Zangetsu, ergo himself, during the final arc was a massive payoff for the series.

What does this have to do with me? I'm autistic as nuts. If you couldn't tell by the paragraph long tangent about an anime I don't know what to tell you. I've always felt like I've never belongs around other people. I'd always discomfort those around me. I wouldn't make much eye contact, look disinterested when they spoke, interject at the worst times & sway awkwardly when standing still. I get it, I can be oddly uncanny at times. Normal people give me the same feeling. Quit staring at me so hard! I got the official diagnosis around thirteen years old. I struggled to identify with it. I didn't want to be considered some disabled freak. I just wanted to be human. I tried kindling a gender or sexuality identity but that really wasn't the piece I was missing. One day I just decided to let go of the end of the rope. The habits that hamper me, the emotional immaturity I faced & the lack of connection I felt with my peers all stemmed from one point. I'm just a loser autist at the end of the day. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could finally make all these connections I haven't made, be able to communicate my issues to others so they can accomodate & find a way to fit in with the others. I didn't have to lie anymore, not to the people around me or to myself. Like Ichigo, the thing I was running from this entire time was my greatest source of strength. Now I hold my head up high, not caring if I stick out anymore. I'll never feel fear when expressing who I am anymore. That requires me to feel embarrassed of who I am, a loser autist with some strange interests!